Saturday, March 31, 2007


Blogging from my phone. In the pass few days i've been doing a lot of
soul searching in what i want in life. What i have been doing all this
while suddenly feels so wrong. After all this while i find it hard now
to forgive. Its not the same anymore. Don't feel like talking to
anyone right now. Going of somewhere to seek solace within. Maybe
somewhere with water.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Dear Mr Ooi
Sorry, you’ve only been offered a place on the reserve-list. A letter will follow shortly.
Best wishes

Mei Chow
Manager, Alumni & Scholarships
British Council
Ground Floor,
West BlockWisma Selangor Dredging,
142C Jalan Ampang
50450 Kuala Lumpur
Thou mayst, thou shalt; I will not go with thee:
I will instruct my sorrows to be proud;
For grief is proud and makes his owner stoop.
To me and to the state of my great grief
Let kings assemble; for my grief's so great
That no supporter but the huge firm earth
Can hold it up: here I and sorrows sit;
Here is my throne, bid kings come bow to it.

King John , Act 3, Scene 1
William Shakespeare

Tuesday, March 27, 2007


Fadli finally finished the first draft of the movie we're going to shoot. Haven't read all of it yet. Initial impressions was that it was a little too long for 5 minutes. I gave him a brief outline of a short-film I wanted to shoot. Its an action movie with Remote Controlled cars. I had to scale back a lot of things. At first, I wanted 40 RC's racing at the same time, but budge constraints is keeping me back.

Today, we had a technical meeting to test the wireless cameras. We tested it in the office so there was a lot of excitement with the other staff as they watched us play around with the camera and the RC cars. Everyone wanted to know where I got the small little wireless spycam. Well, if you want to know, I got it at Jalan Pasar. It was RM148. Its got the shittiest of lens. Its only focused in the centre and the infinity focus is out. Reception is crappy too but at least you can see moving images. Its the lightest camera they have at the shop. I would have gotten something better but they were too heavy for a small RC car to carry as a load.

Hopefully, this week we get to test it with Fadli's RC helicopter. Have to test range of the camera and camera angles. I hope technical tests should be completed by this month then we can move into production planning. Camera angle shots and receeing the sites would be the hardest part. Once all the initial planning is out of the way, the rest should fall into place like clockwork.

UPS Delivery

I came back today to find a UPS mail delivery on my bed. My maid usually puts my mail under my door, but this was a pretty large envelope so it ended up on my bed. On first glance, I knew what it was right away. One of the universities must have send it.

I checked the envelope's return address, and true enough, it was Sheffield Hallam University. It was an unconditional offer for a Masters in Media Studies. I had till August to accept it. I feel slighted elated at getting this. I was thinking, "hah, so I'm good enough for another university after all! Someone wants me to study at their instituition!"

I had a talk with Chui Yan about the future. I guess plans have to change. I'm dropping the university plans to focus on buying a house and getting hitched this year. I know I always talk about it but not much gets done so this time around, gonna put more effort on it. The scholarship just side-tracked me. Doesn't matter now whether I get it or not. I've got more important things at hand.

Maybe I'll frame up the letter. Would have been nicer if it was an offer letter from Cambridge hehe.

Friday, March 23, 2007

It’s been on of those strange days. I go home after work really tired and all I want to do is shower and take a nap. I wake up and its 1AM. Can’t sleep as I’ve already slept through the evening. It’s dark and I feel my way to my PC and switch it on. The only light comes from my monitor and this awful blue LED light in front of my CPU. Why do they build in LED lights in CPU’s?

I started downloading songs so I guess I’ll blog a little while waiting for some of the songs to download. This Vista isn’t working out as well as I hoped. I think I royally screwed it up. My premiere pro doesn’t work. I got all the codecs screwed up. Quicktime doesn’t work. This damn thing is basically good only for gaming and blogging. Other than that, I can’t edit on it.
I’m bloodly gonna format this C drive and reinstall Vista again... or better yet, go back to my pirated version of XP. So much for buying original software. Screw you Windows for promoting an OS that doesn’t work!

I’ve been listening to Lily Allen. Interesting lyrics. Very London pop. So different from the studio generated stuff from America. She’s got cynical lyrics. Something in me finds it very amusing. Yes, I have a cynical streak in me. Quite a mean one at that.
Anyway, so what does one do when you’re wide awake at 1AM? Well, there’s my own little world in Medieval 2. You know how in children’s story such as Alice in Wonderland , the hero escapes to a wonderful strange world? Well, that’s what Medieval 2 is like to me. It’s a strangely wonderful little world that lives in my PC. It means nothing to the real world but once you’re in it, it’s so engrossing.

However, not something I’m going to touch tonight. The other option, so to download some music of course. Something I can plug into my car stereo and listen to the next day .
Sometimes strange thoughts come floating into my head when I sit idly doing nothing. It’s either stuck in traffic or at 2AM in the morning lying in my bed in the dark.

Strangely, I think about evolution and religion a lot. I think about how the human race has come along and how religion has sprung up from their minds. We’re the only living creatures that has created a religion. I don’t see other animals believing an afterlife. I don’t know, maybe they do, they just can’t communicate it with us. Maybe, the vegetables we eat believe in reincarnation. Somewhere deep within the seeds of the apple we eat is a sentient being that believes its going to be reincarnated and slowly approaching Nirvana.

The Buddha says humans are the only creatures smart enough to learn the Dharma and you’ll need that to get to Nirvana. Escape rebirth and death. I wonder how does a lower life form, lets say... a cabbage transition from its present stage to a higher life form. How does it go about cultivating enough good karma to get to the stage of being a human being? The only thing a cabbage can do is grow , reproduce and get eaten. Okay, maybe that’s our perspective of the cabbage from a human’s point of view. Maybe from the cabbage’s point of view, it sees itself as something totally different. I don’t know, I can’t communicate with cabbages.

The example of the cabbage reminds me of this ethical question about vegetarianism. What if there was a genetically engineered animal that is engineered to want to die so that you can just eat them? Its sole purpose in existence is to get all plump and juice and die just so you can stick a fork in them and pop a piece of them into your mouth? Sounds morally objectable doesn’t it? Lets think back to why people become vegetarians in the first place. Most say so that they don’t want the animal to suffer and animals have toxins. Okay, what if genetic engineering solves that? The animal doesn’t suffer at all and in fact has only a short life span of 30 days. It has a huge growth spurt from the moment of its creation and suddenly, when it’s a full grown adult at 30 days, it dies peacefully... just like clockwork. It’s carcass is full of the nutrients you need without the toxins.

Still find it objectable? Maybe because we’re horrified that such an animal exist but think about it, we’re coming closer to that than we think. The farm animals that we eat are already been genetically modified to produce more meat and have faster growth. Scarry isn’t it? We don’t think about it because our fried chicken doesn’t look like a chicken with feathers on it. It looks like a desirable piece of food that makes us hungry.

As humans, we impose our perception of reality and reasoning on everything around us. It’s because we have a brain that we also create things such as morality, religion and social norms. Okay, other animals have social norms too, that’s why we study primates. However, humans so far are the only life form on this planet to so greatly effect the whole planet, and maybe one day, the whole universe. We would impose our believes and morality throughout the cosmos until the universe collapse on itself into nothing again.

We like to think that we’re the most superior life form. However, maybe on another planet there’s another life form with just the exact same thought. Maybe they’re already on the way here and they’ll impose their believes on us. For my own selfish sake, I hope we beat everyone else to gain mastery of the universe.

From a life form that evolved from hunched over two legged walking creatures to the cosmos. Interesting thought isn’ t it? Where along the way did religion evolve in our head? We know of what religion tells us, the word of God came down through messengers but religion has been around much longer before Buddhism, Christianity, Islam and Jews thought of it. The Greeks already had their gods, so did the Babylonians and the Egyptians. From archaeological digs we’ve found stone carvings of fertility statues of women with big hips and breast. How did we move from a simplistic animistic religion to the believe system we have today? I wonder how religions would evolve 10,000 years from now. Would our believe system be much more complex or become simpler or would we by evolution, evolve out of the need to have a need to believe in a power greater than us.

So far, most scientist theorize that humans created God to explain things that they could not understand. For example, the rising of the sun and the animals they hunt. So, let’s say 10,000 years from now we basically know everything there is to know about our universe already. That’s it, we’ve reached the age of enlightenment. We know what causes everything, the masters of science. Would we still need religion? What would moral code stand on? Most of our moral code and social norms come from religious teachings.

What if we find one day, that religion is irrelevant one day and science is and logic is the final determination of our conduct? What if one day, we find ourselves in a situation where dying is better for the greater good? Logic dictates that we have to ‘take one for the team’ so to say. Sounds objectable now doesn’t it? It’s already happening with suicide bombings and people who die heroic deaths. However, most of them have a different reasoning system that is based on religion or military valour. What if logic dictates that purely because we’re using up too much oxygen and that we’re passed our usefulness, we have to end our own lives one day? For efficiency sake, there’s a large chemical vat that we walk ourselves into that would dissolve us into other useful components. Before we do that, our thoughts are recorded for future references.

Sounds disgusting doesn’t it? So... soulless? Well, isn’t blogging sort of like that? We’re already heading towards impending death... rather slowly (I hope!) and we’re just recording our thoughts for future references.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Windows Vista

Its been a long 48 Hours. I was up till 4AM the previous night fixing my PC. My PC was breaking down and slowly dying. At first I thought it was the hard disk, then when I tried to reinstall the windows OS, the motherboard failed too. That was the breaking point for me and I had it with my crappy PC. It was already 8PM when I got to the Digital Mall at Section 14. I made my way to Aone Plus and ran into Mr. Oh. Haven't seen the guy since the last time I upgraded my PC.

I had taken out my hard disk, RAM, DVD drive and video card and stuffed it in a bag to bring it along with me. I picked out a motherboard, a casing and some new RAM and asked them to assemble me a new PC. On a whim, I thought I'll get the new Windows Vista. I bought the Business Edition version. Got me a Duo Core 2.13MHz CPU and 2G of RAM. If I had more time, I would have waited for a better motherboard, but the best they had was only a Abit IB9 motherboard that would support 2 IDE slots. Everyone uses SATA drives today. All in all, the total bill for my Frankenstein PC came up to RM2500.

When I got home, tried to install a few stuff and I started to find out that Vista wasn't supported by most softwares. For example, quicktime doesn't work. Damn Apple, can't they come out with a version that supports Vista? Now I can't play any of my video tutorials and I didn't even bother to install my Britanica.

The dump part is, when the software doesn't work, the whole PC just slows down to a crawl and finally hangs. It doesn't even let me get to the control panel to shut down the program. How shitty is that? I constantly have to have the control panel up and running just in case I have to make an emergency exit out of a program.

I turned of the Vista Aero as most of the programs don't work with it. Looks nice in the demo but its shitty in real life application. The interface is totally different. I'm still trying to look for the folders properties so I can customize how files are viewed. It also has too many stupid warnings popping up. Do you want this to run? This program is asking to run this, do you want it too? Why the hell is Vista second guessing me every time I want to do something? Bloody hell, my damn OS doubts everything I do!

I can't even run Medieval 2 on Vista now. The pirated version doesn't work. Oh well, maybe that's a blessing in disguise after all. Hrmm, which got me thinking... I wonder if Rome Total War would work instead... hehehe.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Just found out I can actually blog from my hand phone. Not really easy trying to type as the word feature in my samsung phone doesnt recognize quite a few words. Anyway... this should be something fun to do when i am waiting for chui yan to shop!

Monday, March 12, 2007


Lately, someone I know SMS me and said she was trying to have a baby. She just got married and has been at 'it' quite a lot but no luck so far. I send back an SMS she was probably trying too hard at the wrong time in the month.

Another lady confided in me the funniest story. She couldn't wait to tell someone what happened and pulled me to a corner and told her friend gave her two strange pills that were small and in a shape of a triangle. She said after taking the pill, she and her husband were different people and started having the wildest sex. She woke up the next morning with bruises all over her and her husband was covered in scratches. She didn't remember much what happened that night but I figure it was one hell of a night.

This brings me to the topic of our 'obligation' to our species. You know, as a species and as a lifeform, we basically only have one goal that is to pro-create. Live has to continue and we have to pass our genes on to the next generation. Other species do it so naturally and with greate vigour.

Humans on the other hands are amusing creatures. For most of our youth, we are thought sex is to be avoided. When we do get to the point we have to fulfill our obligation and pro-create, we don't do it right. You spend all your life avoiding sex and after 25 years or so avoiding it (or least been told no!), suddenly you're at it. The shock of being able to do it just makes us forget how to do it 'naturally'.

I always find it wierd that evolution has made sex enjoyable while childbirth painful. I see how making sex enjoyable has profited the species... but making childbirth painful? Hrmm... I think it should have been the other way around. If sex was painful, only couples who were ready and really want a child would go through having sex. Then when they do have a child, the mother and father would have the most amazing orgasm upon the birth of the child. Okay, it sounds wierd when you read this now but the idea of having an orgasm when we sex would have sounded wierd too if you heard it for the first time.

If sex was just as painful as childbirth, I tell you there would be a lot less pre-marital sex. However, I think we as a species would probably be dwindling down too! If it wasn't for all those horny ancestors of ours, we wouldn't be here would we?

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Car Theft

Someone broke into my car last night. I came back quite late at 11PM and I was up till 4AM playing Medieval 2. My mother woke me up at 7:30AM. My neigbhour had noticed my car window had been broken in on the front left side. There was glass everywhere. The contents from my glove comparment were strewn on the passenger seat and the coin box was open.

I did a quite check and there wasn't much missing. Only the Smart Tag holder that was glued to the front windshield and a RM2 note in the coinbox. I guess what they really wanted was the Smart Tag. I had brought it in because I knew there were a lot of theft cases. The thieves probably thought I had kept it in the glove compartment. That's why they rancacked it.

Well, at least they didn't try taking the radio. Its a crappy radio with bad wiring anyway.

It took me an hour just to vacuum out the broken glass. Since I was already vacuuming the glass, I decided to vacuum the whole car. After that, I when to the PJ State police station to make a report. I had my mother seat in the car since they car didn't have a window. I thought the officer was going to come over to take the picture later anyway. The officer at the PJ State told me I had to go to the SEA park Police Station since it was under that district.

I thought it over and I never remembered there was a SEA Park Police Station. I asked the guard on the way out and he said it was the SS2 Police Station. On the way there, the police station called me again to tell me that they were calling up the station to find Investigating Officer.

At the police station, turns out the photographer on duty was sick and the replacement guy was in Sungai Buloh. They told me to go home and he'll come to my house to take the picture of the car instead.

So I when back home and about an hour later the this dude on a bike came over. The officer told me there was another car break in a few days ago nearby. Damn, I thought this was a safe neigbourhood.

Now my car has a hole in it and my mechanic's close today. Can't get it fixed until tomorrow.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

F*** F***

Normally, I don’t blog about what happens at work though I think a lot of people would like to know what happens there. Its in everyone’s voyeuristic nature to do that, no matter how mundane ones life maybe.

I could detail in exact detail what time I when to the toilet, stood in front of the urinal to take a piss, but that would have been for another blog.

Lately, there’s been more challenges at work. Used to be, I had a free reign in doing mostly what I wanted to do. No direct supervision. Was okay, I kinda enjoyed it, but made me lazy. It has its good and bad points.

However, lately, there’s been more supervision now. Used to be, I could cover almost any topic that I picked. Okay, I’m an anarchist on most time, but I would like to thing I things for an overall good.

Lately, I’ve been told to avoid certain topics to cover. Things that would have affected current clients of the company. Okay, totally understandable for a “For Profit” company. Don’t piss of the client; the client is always right. What do you do if the client isn’t always right? What if the client is poisoning people?Well, that’s just not acceptable is it? Well, I did something about it but there sure were a lot of people not happy about it. Well, enough said about it for now.
My eulogy

I have a poison and its name is Medieval 2. I hate my poison, I’m addicted to it. It eats me. It’s a jealous poison, it takes me away from everything. It keeps me up late at night till 4AM and keeps away from other people. It demands my constant attention. It needs me to move little pixels across the screen, planning, scheming, going to war, making peace and trading.

My poison. I hate it.

Okay, I had to say it. It’s been on my mind for awhile. All I do these past few days is play Medieval: Total War 2. It’s too addictive. This game should be banned. I regret the day I bought it from the shop.

My computer gives me the blue screen of death most of the time I play. Most probably my hard disk with a brain tumour. I know, my hard disk is slowly dying but I demand to play my game.

Tonight I decided to skip playing it… just for tonight. I’ve been cheating on the game like crazy. I haven’t even been playing it proper since I started. It was just too much fun cheating.

No Medieval tonight. Tonight, I opted to watch a DVD instead. I when through the DVD’s I just bought and I picked the one on top of the pile, “Stranger Than Fiction”. I’ve seen the trailer before and no Chui Yan didn’t want to it with me. Not a Will Ferrell fan. I am.

I sat in the dark lying on bed watching the story unfold. It was the strangest of movie, it was like reading a book and watching a movie at the same time. Will Ferrell plays a man who hears an author narrating his life in his head and hears “little does he know, he will soon be dead” which of course catches his attention and drives him to find out what the voice in his head meant.

He finds love and goes on to live a fulfilling life. Very Buddhist ending about facing death. There’s something about sitting in the dark in your room alone watching a room that makes you emotionally susceptible. I laughed and had tears beading at the corner of my eye through the movie. It was touching and funny all at once. I don’t know about the rest of the movie critics and damn the Oscars, but this is one heck of a movie.

Heck… I would dare say this movie makes it into my list 10 most favorite movies right now.

Emma Thompson plays the author who narrates his life in the movie. Its something about the calm in Emma’s voice that makes it so acceptable and understanding to just listen and accept it as it is.

I wonder who would best be suited to narrate my life. Someone to Eulogies me after I am gone. If you’re reading this, many years from now find yourself right now reading this paragraph… wouldn’t this blog be a weird eulogy of yourself? Sit there, think about it.