Friday, July 21, 2006

Awan Yang Terpilu

Today I was helping a colleague edit a story about convicts in prison. We used a song from a Ning Baizura video clip I haven’t seen before, Awan Terpilu. The story in the video clip was about a young malay village girl growing up wanting to be a singer against her father’s wishes. In the end, her father doesn’t come for her concert but it shows her father secretly compiling a scrap book of her daughter’s pictures from magazines. I suddenly found myself actually tearing up watching the video. Now here’s a great story about unrequited love. One of the best local music videos I’ve seen in a long time. Pretty embarrassing though, I guess I was emotionally drained and mentally tired today.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, actually its been a few months already. I’ve been thinking of a career change. Lately I find that I’ve been mentally burned out. I can’t just keep coming up with new content. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. One of the few thoughts that was going through my mine is “is this what I really want to do?” The answer is no. Right now, I’m creating content that isn’t for the demographic I’m in. I used to think, okay this is community service and I’m doing it for the greater good. However, I realize I can also do what I really like to do and still be of service to the community.

Another problem is the language, its just a stumbling block trying to create content in a language that I’m still not comfortable with. With the specialization each station is going into, there’s less opportunity to do what I really want to do now. Been thinking of a move, but I guess what really depresses me is that I am indebted to the company I currently work for which is strange. For the first one year I worked here, I wanted to resign everyday. I wake up in the first six months thinking, ‘okay, maybe today is the day I send in my resignation letter’. Somewhere down the line, I don’t know how but the job grew on me. I think I actually got good at it.

Its hard to want to say good bye to a company that gave you everything. Where to next? I have plans but its all in the clouds right now. One of it is to join a sister company but that depends on a lot of thing. One of it is if the management would let me make the switch. Or if they even want me in the other company.

The other recourse is of course to move out of this country. Something I have been seriously considering a long time ago just after I graduated. Its harder to do that now, now that I have more commitments here.

I haven’t told anyone, but I secretly wish I could continue studying again. It’s a bit of a far reach but I’ve always loved the student life. No money there but, I’ve always been the intellectual type. Would love to take up media studies again or study theology and philosophy.

So many things I wanted to do that didn’t happen. I wanted to shoot a documentary but that didn’t materialize. I wanted to travel but that hasn’t been happening lately too.

I’ve been listening to an audio book, ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’ by Dr. John Gray. One of the theories about how differently men communicate from women is that men often retreat to their ‘cave’ when troubled while women like to share their problems. Right now, I feel like withdrawing into my ‘cave’ though I find that the cave I used to withdraw too is not the same anymore. It used to be my PC with computer games. However, I actually find it hollow now. I stopped playing Total War and I haven’t even installed the new games I bought. I wonder where I can go to contemplate my future.

I’m not the type who likes to talk about what bothers me at work with others, even those close to me. I like to compartmentalize my life. Work is work, personal life is personal life. They don’t mix. The problem now is, the problems I face at work is not something I want to share with anyone at work.

Listen to slow songs don’t help either. My winamp playlists is full of slow sad songs. I’ve been listening to Norah Jones and Shelley Leong. I know, it’s depressing.

Another thing that’s been bothering me is all the new things I want to buy. For instance, I really want a new laptop badly, a Dell XPS so I can edit on the move; a new video camera, probably a Panasonic GS400; a PDA so I can surf the net on the go. Today I was surfing Dell’s website at work admiring the XPS notebook then I realized what Buddha’s teaching has been about. We suffer because we want things. It became apparent to me, I suffer because I want all these material things. A laptop, video camera, a career change. Finding happiness right now where I am is hard but standing back and looking at it, I do have happiness. I have a woman who loves me, I already have an okay camera and a still pretty kick ass PC. I just fixed my old car so its decent. I don’t have chicken pox anymore! Though, I do have the scars on my body. Have to be grateful for what I have now I guess.

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