Crossroads

Today quite 3 major life changing proposals were made. I made 1 proposal and someone else made 2 proposals to me.

I have been working over a proposal for a special project with a colleague. It's not the usual program I usually do but it's something I always wanted to do that I trully believed in. I've been rushing to try and finalize it to meet a few datelines. We had to apply for a grant for it from a foreign government who would sponsor us to visit their country and do the story there. Plus my colleague was going overseas for a few weeks too.

Not many people in my office knew that we were working on this proposal. Even the manager I report and the manager my colleague report too didn't know. Wasn't a secret, we just didn't bother to tell anyone. I only told those who asked me what I was working on, on a need to know basis.

Anyway, I took my proposal and when to see my General Manager this afternoon. I e-mailed it to him 5 minutes before seeing him. When I walked into his room he was going through the e-mail. While he was reading the proposal, my manager walked in and saw me in the room and quickly excused himself. Probably thought I had some personal problems to complain about haha... was quite funny. My GM told him to stick around but he didn't want too.

My GM basically asked me to go back to the drawing board. It wasn't as in depth as what he wanted. He wanted something more on a huge global scale. I gotta scratch my head where to find the money now. I wanted to save the world, my GM said that I can't do it. I'm optimistic... I have to try. I can't say anymore about what I'm working on until I get the grant.

Anyway, I chucked the proposal aside on my table and started staring into blank space and I hear an ex-colleague's voice. We had drinks at the cafeteria and he made a job proposal for me. It sounds very tempting. This is not the first time I was asked. The only thing that's holding me back is familiarity. Starting all over again is quite daunting. I'm so used to what I'm doing already at work, and I can let most things fly on auto-pilot.

Going over to another organization would mean getting to know new people. Talking to new people... heck, I barely started getting to know the people I already work with. It's so stressful meeting new people I tell you! Plus there are many conditional terms that I have to deal with if I were to take up the offer. The first is of course, finding my replacement; convincing those in charge to let me go and... the worst part is getting used to the totally new working hours.

After leaving the cafeteria, I opened my e-mail and I got an e-mail from someone I totally forgot about. I had initially given up hope but seeing the title of the e-mail got me thinking again about what I really want in life. It was an invitation to come for an interview for a scholarship that I've applied for. I did it half-heartedly. I read through the letter and it said I should have an offer letter from a university by know before the interview date on January 17. Damn it, that's one month away... and there's Christmas too! I wonder if I can get a place at a university by then?

The big question is... do I even want to continue my studies? So MANY major things I want to do next year. I have responsibilities I want to take on next year, I have to think about the ones I love too, what people expect of me... it's stressful.

By the way, I read Lilian Too's horoscope for my sign (snake) next year. It says travel is in store. Damn, I wonder where I'm travelling too? It also says I'm going to have weak finances. Better start reserving money quick.

I don't relish travelling for too long a period. I get a slight agoraphobia. When I was studying in the US, I used to have a strange dream just before I wake up. I used to dream I was back home in Malaysia sleeping in my bed and 'knowing' that I was back home again somewhere familiar. However, when I do wake up and open my eyes, in a flash it dawns on me I am so very far away from home. I can almost feel myself been pulled halfway across the planet, over continents and oceans in that moment to my bed in my room in a strange country. There I am lying there thinking, "here I am, all alone in a strange country. No one else to depend on but myself". I didn't really felt homesick but more of fear... the fear of being an adult and making my own decisions. Hrmm... I think I still have that fear today sometimes.