I was browsing through ahmoi and I came across a poem a wrote a long time ago. I used it as a filter, those who are attracted to it or understood it are basically the type of people I wanted to talk too back then.

know not what I seek but I know I haven't found it yet.

I know not whether it be spiritual relevation, true love, bonding friendship, pleasure or world peace.

However I do know I am the seeker.

I am not lost, but I have yet to find.

I know I must find answers but I know not the questions to ask.

I wonder the land in search for the right questions to ask.

One day the right one will come to me then I would be able to find the answer.

I know I am not alone, for others to seek the questions and answers I seek.

They too are out there seeking.

Many perils await us, for many offer a universe of questions and answers but most likely, they are but just distractions.

Many seekers fall prey to the distractions, our journeys are full of victims, lost in their cause.

Tired but still wondering silently, trapped by commitments in their life, bound by life itself from seeking life.

I journey on.

I know not what awaits me, but I know I cannot turn back.

Langkawi!

Langkawi, here I come! Leaving on a morning flight tomorrow with Chui Yan for Langkawi for 3 days. We're going to be staying at Geo Park Inn at the Oriental Village. Going to be fun. I was contemplating whether I should bring the video camera. Alway feels like work when I have video camera around, having to take shots. Anyway, I chucked it in the bag. Hope it's going to be okay there. Brought only one tape though, should be more than enough I hope.

My bag is packed, hope I can still find my Langkawi map in my room somewhere...

My new Camera
I present to you, my new camera! Panasonic AG-DVC32EN. I love it's small form factor, small for a 3CCD camera with a 1/4 inch CCD. I've been waiting months to get it. I finally had the cash and I bought it for almost RM9K, including the XLR connector. I love this camera, since I already own a panasonic, it was easy to learn the menus. Now I finally get to do a lot of other stuff I wanted to shoot. Can't wait to use it tomorrow. Woohoo!

Anugerah Skrin Ke-8

This was pretty last minute, but an episode I produced got nominated for Bualbicara Terbaik for Anugerah Skrin Ke-8 (AS8). My manager told me he had submitted the episode a few weeks ago and I didn't think much about it until the producer of the AS8 came to see and gave me an invitation card and said I have to attend because I have to represent the program.

I was going to borrow something from wardrobe to wear since the dress code said suits for guys. I when to browse through the wardrobe department and didn't quite find anything fancy. That evening, I when to G2000 and Chui Yan helped me picked out a suit, a shirt and pants. Cost me Rm813 for the whole set. I like how it was made of Teflon... almost bullet proof man! My niece saw me wearing my suit and she got all excited and crawled up to my leg and started pulling my pants and wanted me to carry her. I was hesitant at first since she drools a lot but I can't say no to her. I think she was intrigued by the white shirt I was wearing.

Everyone was asking me what would I say if I won, so I thought about it and I thought about all the corny speeches I could have made like, "I dedicate this award too all the women out there, without you I wouldn't be here!" and I'll say it while pumping that heavy pewter award in the air. Another one I thought would get some extra corny points was, "I didn't expect to win, so I didn't prepare anything but I would like to thank..." and then I'll rattle on until they chase me of the stage. Hehe.

I got stuck in a huge jam on the way to PWTC. I thought I was going to be early but ended up 5 minutes late. I walked up from the basement and took the escalator all the way up. When I reached the reception then only I realized I left my invitation card at home. I thought, "shit, now I'm screwed". Knowing them, they're pretty strict on keeping the rift-raft's out of the hall with pretty tight security. I walked back around the public gallery all the way to the start of the red carpet and I saw a TV3 staff guarding one of the cordoned areas. I walked up to him, waved at home and got in pass to the red carpet. As I was doing that, the guards were pushing out 2 photographers without ID. At least the guards knew me by name and just waived me by.

I was standing there on the red carpet waiting for Chermaine. She called earlier to see if she could sit with me since she didn't know anyone there so I thought, sure, I didn't anyone else on the nominee list. I was standing on the red carpet with the camera crews watching them doing interviews, especially my trainee. All the female personalities got stopped and were asked who designed what they were wearing. Even Chermained had a new designer sponsor her for the night.

As me and Chermaine started walking towards the hall on the red carpet, some of the people in the public gallery were waiving and calling to us. Chermaine asked if the dude was a friend of mine and I said no, because I thought he was waiving at you. As we entered the hall, I suddenly realized that the dude might have been a fan calling us over to get our signature. That would have been pretty funny since we're both not particularly well known. Well, at least Chermaine's hot.

We set by the aisle seat at the front centre and I had a pretty good view of the stage. As people started walking up to the seats, I got to see them and some of the actors and actresses who recognized me said hi. The director of Ciplak sat with us, with his mother and friends. Even Datuk Kadir (the former information minister) shoke my hand, tipical politician. I was just staring into blank space and he so happened to walked into my line of sight and made eye contact with me so he extended a hand and I shook it.

The nice thing about live shows like this are that it starts on time because it's broadcasted live. I think today was behind by 2-3 minutes because they had to wait for the news to end. While we were sitting there waiting for the show to start, I told Chermaine, it felt like we were sitting in a bus on a long journey. We sat down at 7:15PM and it was going to end at 11PM.

The show started with Erra and Datuk Siti's duet. The sound system was awsome. The bass was literally shaking the hall. You could feel the sound waves going through you. The presenters were okay, Mastura had a pretty funny presentation.

Somewhere through the 3rd commercial break, I ran of to the toilet. When I came back, they wouldn't let me into my seat because the show started again. Those of us who came back late were just standing by the side of the hall waiting. In the Oscars, they have seat in's, people who would seat in your seat when you when to the loo so when the camera takes a wide shot of the people, there are no empty seats. I remember once during the Oscars, the camera fell on a celebrity couple trying to get back to their seats and they were complaining, "there's someone in my seat!" Was pretty funny.

When my category came up, I was pretty nervous. I didn't actually know who I was competing against. When I saw the nominees booklet then I thought, "damn!". They had Aznil in it and that's pretty much entertainment. I can't compete with that. Wrong talkshow category. True enough, Aznil won for an episode called "Kaki". Don't ask me, I don't know what it was about either. Well, there goes my chance to make any corny speeches. Wardina send me a pretty funny SMS after they gave out the award.

After the show ended, I hung around to chat with my colleagues. I asked Naz's gal if she was giving the evil eye to Fazura. She was practically sitting right in front of them at the podium watching Fazura flirt on air with him. Was pretty funny.

The director of Ciplak won for independent film. His friend was telling him, "well, now you've achieved the most you'll ever do in your life, you're 27 now. This is the highlight of your life!". Haha, I said "what, it's all down hill now isn't it?". Silly buggers.

There was a party after that, I didn't eat dinner yet so we when to grab a bite. While walking out of the hall, there were fans waiting for the stars to come out to take their pictures. There were a lot of transvestites waiting out there! I saw one wearing a small purple tank top and he/she wasn't wearing a bra. His/her C Cup tits were barely covered by the top. I didn't know whether to laugh or look away. Now it wouldn't be indecency now would it if it were man tits? I mean, it's okay for guys to go topless but what if the 'guy' had a C cup tits? My other colleagues were gawking away as well, one of them said, "hey, you stand next to him and I will pretend to take your picture together, but I'll actually zoom in on his tits so we can show others". I declined, I didn't want to be tagged to the transvestite.

At the party, there was a lot of networking going on. Everyone got to meet new talents and a lot of ideas were pitched very fasts. Winning an award gets you more recognition, for example the director of Ciplak met Lina Tan, from Red Comm. and they talked about movie scripts. I met a former host who asked about hosting. Was pretty interesting to see all the networking going on.

We finally left the party and I send Chermaine home. On the way home, we talked about production. I explained to her how producing a new show works since she's starting her TV career.

I have to admit, I don't watch much TV anymore. Before I when to the US to study broadcasting and film studies, I was a TV addict. I loved watching TV and films. Now, I don't do that much anymore, basically because I tend to watch it with a diferent perspective now. I look at everything from the technical point of view. For example, at the Anugerah Skrin, I was looking at the cameras instead to see what camera angles they used and the lights to see whether they were dimming it on cue. I was looking at the hosts and presenters to see if they were reading from their cue cards or doing it naturally. There isn't much of an illusion of entertainment anymore for me, now I just try to dissect everything I watch.

Better hit the sack, I got to wake up early tomorrow!

Me and Naz

The stage, after the show. It was a wonderfully designed 3D set, took them a week to build it. I think it cost almost RM60K. Well worth it.

This isn't a very flattering picture of me and Sheanee. My camera phone sucks in low light. Take my word for it, she look great that night.

Another photo of me and Sheanee

Me and Chermaine after the show ended. Her dress was pretty long and I accidentally stepped on it a few times. Sorry!

T Shake

I was standing outside my office trying to get a Maxis line and I looked at the guardhouse and saw this chick getting into a sports car and driving pass me. As the car came near I was thinking, "hrmm, who's this hottie driving this yellow sports car?". The car slowed down and the window when down and lo and behold it was Hannah Tan.

She was here for a press conference so I chatted with her while she was doing her hair in the makeup room. We talked about her new album, her personal life and the people we knew. I haven't seen her in a few months. She's such a sweet gal and it's too bad most guys don't see beyond her cleavage.

Hannah changed her phone number because she started getting wierd calls. I told her I called her old number once and it had a Jay Chou ringtone. Some chinese dude picked it up and said I had the wrong number and didn't knew who Hannah was... I should have said, "eh, Hannah lar... the Hannah Tan from FHM magazine, don't know ah?" haha. Poor guy, must have been getting a lot of wierd calls ever since he got that number.

Anyway, Hannah's been busy promoting her album. She's even got her fan club website www.hannahtclub.com (she's now know as Hannah T, branding lar babe). She got some really sexy pictures of her in a white bikini. You'll have to see her website to see what it looks like.

Hannah showing of her new album. Check out the sexy pose on the cover!

Tiger, tiger, burning bright

Sometimes in the office I make the most obscure joke and see how long it takes for people to get it. I was sitting down chatting with Azean and Azizah today and Azean commented on my thumb drive that was orange with black tiger stripe prints on it. I put my hand on my hips and said, "yeah, it matches my outfit". They both looked at me and my blue jeans and my grey shirt and I just grinned at them. I waited a second before I said, "you can't see it because I'm not wearing it outside" and then we all burst out laughing. I then quickly pulled up the leg of my pants to reveal my black socks and said, "I was going to say my socks but you all had a better mental picture in your head" and we all had an even bigger laugh. Hehe... hrmm, well that was basically the only high point of the day really.

Normally I don't mind courting controversy. Previously Harakah Daily questioned my motives for discussing Syariah Family Law on the show (they didn't know my name or who was producing that day). A few days ago, we talked about bisexuality on air. The psychologists emphasized that homosexuality and bisexuality was not a psychological disorder. They classify it as more of a personality trait. For example, one can be an introvert; extrovert; someone who is happy go lucky or just... gay. A few days later someone wrote to the Utusan saying that we were encouraging society to accept homosexuality and questioned whether all religions should accept homosexuality as it was still a sin. The guy then when of tangent and critisized the liberals in the country.

I was going to reply only the first 3 questions the guy had and not the other stuff that he started ranting about. The guy's ranting was only fit for a conservative Malay's ear which I won't repeat here. First of all, one can't really argue with science that much. The psychologist was giving his expert opinion. Ethics in religion would always differ from science. It may not be classified as a deviant behavior but religion can classify it as a sin. In Malaysia, we practice western medication and they do not have the same moral values shared by conservatives.

Another example would be the use of pigs in medicine. Vaccines made from pigs and also trial surgeries of pig liver transplant to human is totally against Muslim believes but acceptable to other people.

Anyway, we didn't want to make the situation worst by replying the guy on air. We just let it slide. National unity before pride... that sort of thing you know.`

I personally do not see homosexuality and bisexuality as a deviant behaviour. I still believe in one of Buddha's precept that one should avoid sexual misconduct. My definition of sexual misconduct would be sexual activity that would hurt others. Homosexual couples who do not harm anyone (including their family members and themselves) are perfectly okay in my mind. The same goes for someone who is a homosexual in power. As long as they don't abuse their power or force their views on me, that's okay (unless you're a former deputy prime minister... now that's a different story all together).

Anyway, I'll end this blog with a joke I read once. Jeremy finds himself in hell and trembling quietly in the corner wondering what hellish torture awaits him. A huge sized demon walks up to him with a smile and says "hey dude, how you doing? First time here? Don't worry, it's not as bad as you think!". Jeremy looks up trembling at the demon and stammers and ask, "w-what do you mean it's not as bad as you think? I'm in hell! I've been punished for my sins!". The demon says, "dude, look... in hell, you get to do all the sins and since you're already in hell, it can't get any worst". Jeremy's optimism is beginning to peak as the demon starts explaining more. "Hey, you like drinking?". Jeremy nods his head, "sure". The demon says, "oh, then you'll love Monday, that's our drink till you keel over day. How about sex with loose women?". Jeremy smiles and says "yes!". The demon says, "Ah, then you'll like Tuesday. How about smoking pot? and surfing for porn?" Jeremy by now is nodding his head excitedly. The demon pauses and ask, "oh yeah, do you like anal sex?". Jeremy stops and says, "errr... nope". The demon sighs and then says "oh, you're going to hate Fridays here."

Crossroads

Today quite 3 major life changing proposals were made. I made 1 proposal and someone else made 2 proposals to me.

I have been working over a proposal for a special project with a colleague. It's not the usual program I usually do but it's something I always wanted to do that I trully believed in. I've been rushing to try and finalize it to meet a few datelines. We had to apply for a grant for it from a foreign government who would sponsor us to visit their country and do the story there. Plus my colleague was going overseas for a few weeks too.

Not many people in my office knew that we were working on this proposal. Even the manager I report and the manager my colleague report too didn't know. Wasn't a secret, we just didn't bother to tell anyone. I only told those who asked me what I was working on, on a need to know basis.

Anyway, I took my proposal and when to see my General Manager this afternoon. I e-mailed it to him 5 minutes before seeing him. When I walked into his room he was going through the e-mail. While he was reading the proposal, my manager walked in and saw me in the room and quickly excused himself. Probably thought I had some personal problems to complain about haha... was quite funny. My GM told him to stick around but he didn't want too.

My GM basically asked me to go back to the drawing board. It wasn't as in depth as what he wanted. He wanted something more on a huge global scale. I gotta scratch my head where to find the money now. I wanted to save the world, my GM said that I can't do it. I'm optimistic... I have to try. I can't say anymore about what I'm working on until I get the grant.

Anyway, I chucked the proposal aside on my table and started staring into blank space and I hear an ex-colleague's voice. We had drinks at the cafeteria and he made a job proposal for me. It sounds very tempting. This is not the first time I was asked. The only thing that's holding me back is familiarity. Starting all over again is quite daunting. I'm so used to what I'm doing already at work, and I can let most things fly on auto-pilot.

Going over to another organization would mean getting to know new people. Talking to new people... heck, I barely started getting to know the people I already work with. It's so stressful meeting new people I tell you! Plus there are many conditional terms that I have to deal with if I were to take up the offer. The first is of course, finding my replacement; convincing those in charge to let me go and... the worst part is getting used to the totally new working hours.

After leaving the cafeteria, I opened my e-mail and I got an e-mail from someone I totally forgot about. I had initially given up hope but seeing the title of the e-mail got me thinking again about what I really want in life. It was an invitation to come for an interview for a scholarship that I've applied for. I did it half-heartedly. I read through the letter and it said I should have an offer letter from a university by know before the interview date on January 17. Damn it, that's one month away... and there's Christmas too! I wonder if I can get a place at a university by then?

The big question is... do I even want to continue my studies? So MANY major things I want to do next year. I have responsibilities I want to take on next year, I have to think about the ones I love too, what people expect of me... it's stressful.

By the way, I read Lilian Too's horoscope for my sign (snake) next year. It says travel is in store. Damn, I wonder where I'm travelling too? It also says I'm going to have weak finances. Better start reserving money quick.

I don't relish travelling for too long a period. I get a slight agoraphobia. When I was studying in the US, I used to have a strange dream just before I wake up. I used to dream I was back home in Malaysia sleeping in my bed and 'knowing' that I was back home again somewhere familiar. However, when I do wake up and open my eyes, in a flash it dawns on me I am so very far away from home. I can almost feel myself been pulled halfway across the planet, over continents and oceans in that moment to my bed in my room in a strange country. There I am lying there thinking, "here I am, all alone in a strange country. No one else to depend on but myself". I didn't really felt homesick but more of fear... the fear of being an adult and making my own decisions. Hrmm... I think I still have that fear today sometimes.

I was going to blog today but I got pissed. There's only so much I can take. It started out as a great day but it started going down hill later on. Better to go to bed and hope I forget my anger today.

The Onion Club

I was amused when I read how the Information Minister Datuk Seri Zainuddin Maidin said in Parliament that it was an uphill battle for RTM to attract viewers.

I think one of the reasons could be the Onion Club. I call it the Onion Club, because that's what the fans of Bawang Merah Bawang Putih (BMBP) are. It's one of the most successful Cinetron imported into Malaysia by TV3. Previously, that timeslot between 2:30-3:30PM was dominated by RTM... that is until we brought in the BMBP series. Now everyone's glued to the TV at that time. It was a pretty good gamble that paid of.

Anyway, 2 of the cast of the show came to the studios today to meet the fans. They're here for the Karnival Jomheboh. Judging from the size of the crowd that turned up at the office, I can only hope we have enough guards to protect those 3 poor souls from Indonesia.

The actress who played Bawang Merah's mother (the evil stepmother) told a funny story of how while during filming on set, a few ladies walked up to her and started hitting her because she was such a mean lady to Bawang Putih. I guess she was so good an actress some people just couldn't differentiate between reality and fiction.

The fans waiting for 2 of the casts to come onto the stage. The MC had to settle the crowd down first before a stampede occured.

The Onion Club banner

2 of the cast in the studio. Guess which host isn't a fan of the show?

Aerial view of the crowd. Frightening isn't it?

I read the story below while I was browsing through a Zen Buddhism book in MPH today.


Two monks were walking in the forrest. They came to a stream and saw a lady in a silk kimono trying to cross it without getting her beautiful kimono wet. The first monk walks up to her and carries her across the stream. The second monk did not say a word but couldn't get it out of his mind. As the monk made camp for the night, the second monk finally spoke to the first monk and told him "why did you touch that lady? As monks we cannot touch females". The first monk replied, "I left the lady at the stream, are you still carrying her?".


I like the story above. Really struck me as I was standing there in the middle of MPH reading it.

The Standupper

Today was the run around day. I got dragged out to Taman Tun by Norzie to help her pick between Celcom and Maxis. She's going to Mekah and wants to use the internet while on the move there. I'm pretty sure they don't have 3G there yet, but plenty of WiFi spots. Since she's got a Maxis number already, we when over to Maxis to change her pre-paid to a post-paid. With the rates being so competitive these days, it really doesn't make much of a difference anymore between the two.

There was an awfully long waiting line at the Maxis shop. We cheated (unintentionally) by taking the shortest number for a different counter to ask a mundane question and casually asked if they could do something else for us instead. Save us about 30 minutes of sitting around aimlessly.

She told me of the criticism she got at work and that got me thinking about journalism in Malaysia. I realize most broadcast journalists here didn't actually study this at college. They're missing a lot of the basic skills such as ethics, inquisitive skills and understanding the rules. Most of them do learn it after years of hands on experience. Those who did study it, including your's truly are a bit of an ass and view others (unintentionally most of the time) as below them. It's like a class system. In the end of the day, what really matter is the end results, getting the story out. I don't talk about what I learned in my uni anymore, less I sound like I'm bragging... however, I do want to improve the work of my colleagues.

I've started reading my college books again. They never really made sense until after I actually started working. I remember my first day on the job. I was tagged to a senior reporter and we when to a press conference of all places, at my father's former office. It was embarassing because some of his former colleagues knew me and I had to introduce myself to the rest of the wolf pack (the reporters from other media). The next day, I had to go out on my own already and I was trown straight into the deep end, it was either swim or drown. I had to go visit a family asking for help for their child who had a hearing problem. I kept thinking during the shoot, "shit, what if I f*ck up? what if this kid doesn't get the help he needs because I f*cked up? He'll be deaf forever all because of me!". I still remember how the parents were really calm when I first talked to them but when the camera was rolling and the microphone was in their face, their tears started rolling on cue. You might call it acting but I understand now a parent's determination to do anything for their child. A child's need is always more important than one's pride. The last I heard, I think the kid did get someone to sponsor a hearing aid. Well, I tried.

A lot of the things I learned in uni did pay of, all those months spend trying to learn the difference between in and out point; jump cuts; pan shots and cutting SOT's came naturally at work. Now I can sit comfortably in an edit room and edit or stand behind the shoulders of any editors and give credible advice. Sometimes I feel frustrated at other's lack of quality in their editing, I keep thinking, "damnit, if I can do it why can't you?" but I have to remind myself often, I was just like that once and they have a steeper learning curve. They don't have the benefit of having a proper structured learning environment.

I do want to teach them stuff but sometimes I hold back, less they think I'm trying to show of. I drop hints occasionally but I don't go any further with those I don't know well. I think I'll bring my college text book to work tomorrow and try preaching from the bible to them. "Hear me you mere mortals, the lord has spoken and his word is the truth!"... okay, that's a bit over acting, maybe try something less preachy.

Believe it or not, I took a picture of these chillies at MAHA 2006. New species that's supposed to add colours to your tom yam after years of generic engineering by UPM researchers. Believe it or not... real photo or did I edit it?

This is the Christmas Theme at 1 Utama New Wing. It's Mickey Mouse. I wonder what happened to Mickey's face? Maybe it was too architecturally challenging to build his nose hanging over the stage... just a nice way to say "Mickey, your nose too big lar" haha.

Blogging again

Hola. It's been awhile since I wrote anything. Not that nothing's been happening, it's just that I felt most of the thing that have been happening in my life lately shouldn't be put in a public forum. When I first started this blog, it was more of a private journal but somehow or another, more and more people started reading it and the more 'diplomatic' this blog became.
I've been tied up with some personal issues, namely trying to find a place to buy to call home. I never imagined it could be so stressful. There are so many people to please and everyone has different needs. Anyway, I shouldn't say more. It's private lar...

As for work, I think I've been slacking of a lot. I've been letting a lot of things run on auto pilot. I know, I should take a more hands on approach but sometimes it's just all the little nitty gritty details that is just oh so tedious. I have a problem I think I should get help for. I don't like to talk to people. I know, it's wierd, especially in my line of work. I just rather not talk to new people. There are some people in my office who sit just a few tables away from me and I never even said hi to them. It's not that I don't like them, it's just that I find the situation awkward trying to make conversation for the first time. As time goes by, it gets even more awkward. The most I do is just smile at them while I walk pass them in a corridor. I suck at remembering people's name so that makes it even worst.

The worst part of my job is actually calling up people who are not expecting me to call. I just get all tense up when I have to call people to arrange for interviews. What's more, people who don't want to be interviewed. I just suck at making small talk and cajoling people into doing things. People would be telling me about how they got a kidney transplant and I'll be thinking, "oh, that's nice... good for you".

There are people I do talk to, it's people I already know. It just takes me a long time to be comfortable with people. Maybe because I compartmentalize my life. I mentally seperate the people I know. I have people I work with at the office; my personal friends not from work; my family; and Chui Yan and her family. I don't mix them together (if you've watched Sienfeld, you'll know what I mean). I used to try and not get too personal with my friend's from work. I only want to interact with them at work, and not talk about my personal life with them. However, everything is slowly changing.

For example, I was sitting in the cafeteria the other day with some of the female hosts and we were talking about contraceptive pills and they started telling me about their menstrual cycle and there I was giving them advice on whether to go on the pill or not. After I finished my first sentence I was thinking, "shit, what the f*ck did I just say?". My job involves me in getting to know the female mind and most of my colleagues are females. So I do find myself in a lot of female conversations like these. We talk a lot about female sexuality and what women want (and it's a way lot more about sex). Sometimes I surprise my male bosses too at the suggestions I make. Either I've gotten good at my job or I'm turning into one big emotional sob. (insert hug here)

Lately, a lot of my colleagues have been coming to me to tell me their personal problems, I just listen, smile and nod my head. I don't say much because it's awkward for me. It's not that I don't care, I do but I don't know what advice to give them but I know most women just want someone to listen instead of offering suggestions so a lot of my female colleagues do come see and I share their secrets. It's such a burden to carry their secrets around, I hope I don't blurt it out accidentally.